nighttime

So it's night-time... awake... I should've been in bed hours ago, but I have the day off tomorrow and so I don't see a point in it. I've been doing some reflecting about my job and other things in general. I was asked by my director today if I "liked being a manager". I don't think I was quite prepared for that question. I mean, his question was more of what I like the most between the contrast of being a technical manager vs. being a technical resource. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure and I felt like a deer in headlights. ONe one hand, I want to progress and I should really be so thankful that I've come this far despite my lack of education, and motivation in general. But there I was, standing at a crossroads... someone holding the keys to success and asking me if I'm brave enough to carry them down the road more difficult.

I mumbled some bullshit about needing to do some reflection because it was definitely different, a challenge... etc. In hindsight, I probably appeared to be a bumbling idiot. I'm surprised he would even consider me after that. Which really leads me to my real problem in becoming 'more'. I lack confidence in myself. I can realize that, but it doesn't seem to help me quelch the feeling. Right now I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I've been slowly slipping further down a dark hole; and that every now and then I pull myself up the rope for a while, only to fall a little further. It's so frustrating... I give myself little pep talks, usually in the mornings. Just to try and keep a glimmer of hope that I can survive and come out somehow on the otherside with a few bruises but otherwise living.

I've had moments tonight in reflection that I would dedicate myself to my career... walk right in my director's office and tell him, "I'm ready. I want it. I'll do whatever it takes." I can hear the music swelling in my mind as I say it... and then the ever-so inspiration cut-scenes where I'm working hard, staying late... making things happen. It's too bad that shit only happens in the movies... in reality, there I am... sitting at my desk with my head down, hands full of hair and feeling like the world is collapsing on me.

How can I win? I even fail at having faith... sometimes I think I'm just lazy. I know I'm selfish. All these flaws... where do I begin?