Starbucks and thoughts

It's after Thanksgiving... it's been a couple good days of not thinking about work. ;) I've been trying to reflect on my choices lately. I've started running again, and although it hurts... it's uncomfortable and I hate it in the beginning... it's really the best thing I can do I think. I't only been a week and I already feel better. The holidays always seem to derail me... I'm in that very sensitive early stage where anything can set me off track. So I'm really trying to get motivated and stay on target. That being said, I've stayed up way too late and eaten way too much... but that's what the holidays are for. ;) I'm sitting by myself this afternoon at Starbucks... drinking coffee and blogging. I feel pretty good today despite nothing really changing in my life. I'm still overweight, unsure of my place at work... but I still have a wonderful girlfriend and good friends/family in my life. I sometimes feel like I'm a horrible friend. I thought I should've gone to Louisville or at least visited J. once during this holiday weekend. But to be honest, I was busy at my aunt's house and with Cathy on the trip with me, I didn't want to spend the night. So I trotted back to Lexington. And I'm so burnt out driving around, so I decided to stay in the area (Lexington) for the weekend. I guess that's not *that* selfish, but I feel bad anyway. It's good to be alone sometimes, even if I complain about it. I like these moments where I have nothing in the world to do but sit, drink coffee and read or write. It makes me sane. That's a rarity. Now I"m going to watch some videos on Hulu here at Starbucks if it'll stream. ;) Happy beginning to the holidays to me... let's hope it keeps getting better.

blah blah bloop blee blo

So... I tried not logging into any games or entertainment on the computer last night in an attempt to see if I'd go to bed earlier. No dice... I picked up the guitar and starting plucking around on it. Before I knew it, it was midnight... I just don't like to go to bed. I'm not sure the psychological reasons behind it, but they exist never the less.

Work is stressful... I feel I'm doing more than I'm capable of. I'm told this is "growing"... but it feels like dying.

I have started to run... ran a few times now, albeit slow and pathetic. But at least I'm out there trying. A friend of mine is trying to lose weight and asked me to run with him. So... I figure it's a good opportunity to try *again*, to try and lose weight and get some part of my life back. We'll see how it goes this time.

I'm at work now... not even wanting to look at what I have to do. :(

Oh well... until next time.

this...er.that

I'm too bored and too impatient to write tonight. I stayed up too late.... again. ugh...

sunday sunday

It's Sunday... I woke up feeling a little groggy today (what a surprise!!) However, in the last few days I have ran twice... well, really I ran once for 30 min and the other I ran just a small amount to support my friend J.Byrge in his running dreams. I have to say it felt good, not physically but mentally to get out there again. Jim is doing a 5K in March as his goal... I'm 'attempting' to make it mine too just to have some reason to get on the treadmill or run out the door. I hope it works.

Last night I went with my girlfriend to her friend's house for a party. I told myself I was only going to drink a couple beers and try to keep the consumption down for food. My weight is so out of control that I'm in constant discomfort. I'm pushing 250 now... I haven't been there for a few years, so it's definitely time to start shaving it off. I've even thought about going down and retrieving my treadmill from my parents so that I can be sure to have a way to run no matter what. I think that will help... I just have to make sure I dont' run 'too' much as I usually get injured and back where I started.

This morning I'm up and dressed waiting on Cathy to go to church. We recently had a philisophical discussion about church and God. I'm not sure if I'm a non-believer or if I just like taking sides for the sake of argument. That being said, I always seem to be on the side of not believing or seriously questioning it. In times of sickness or what I perceive to be a life-threatening event I always call out to God. I think that's kind of irresponsible on my part. I mean, how selfish am I? I'm not sure what to really do with that part of my life... I've been burned so many times, even if I burned myself.

Well.. Cathy's waiting for me so I guess I should go now. Off to start another day...

Work starts tomorrow again even if it's a short week... I wish I felt motivated for anything these days.

Later.

nighttime

So it's night-time... awake... I should've been in bed hours ago, but I have the day off tomorrow and so I don't see a point in it. I've been doing some reflecting about my job and other things in general. I was asked by my director today if I "liked being a manager". I don't think I was quite prepared for that question. I mean, his question was more of what I like the most between the contrast of being a technical manager vs. being a technical resource. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure and I felt like a deer in headlights. ONe one hand, I want to progress and I should really be so thankful that I've come this far despite my lack of education, and motivation in general. But there I was, standing at a crossroads... someone holding the keys to success and asking me if I'm brave enough to carry them down the road more difficult.

I mumbled some bullshit about needing to do some reflection because it was definitely different, a challenge... etc. In hindsight, I probably appeared to be a bumbling idiot. I'm surprised he would even consider me after that. Which really leads me to my real problem in becoming 'more'. I lack confidence in myself. I can realize that, but it doesn't seem to help me quelch the feeling. Right now I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I've been slowly slipping further down a dark hole; and that every now and then I pull myself up the rope for a while, only to fall a little further. It's so frustrating... I give myself little pep talks, usually in the mornings. Just to try and keep a glimmer of hope that I can survive and come out somehow on the otherside with a few bruises but otherwise living.

I've had moments tonight in reflection that I would dedicate myself to my career... walk right in my director's office and tell him, "I'm ready. I want it. I'll do whatever it takes." I can hear the music swelling in my mind as I say it... and then the ever-so inspiration cut-scenes where I'm working hard, staying late... making things happen. It's too bad that shit only happens in the movies... in reality, there I am... sitting at my desk with my head down, hands full of hair and feeling like the world is collapsing on me.

How can I win? I even fail at having faith... sometimes I think I'm just lazy. I know I'm selfish. All these flaws... where do I begin?

morning time

I don't like mornings... at least I don't think I do. I rarely *want* to get up in the morning, although it seems that often I wake up earlier than my alarm clock is set for. Instead of taking this opportunity to start the day, I force myself to go back to sleep. This usually ends up making me miserable when I finally do wake up. It feels like sandpaper behind the eyes, my body slowly moving towards the bathroom door. I wonder what it would take to just force myself to get up and start the day?

Sometimes I think I might be depressed... that my work isn't fulfilling enough to have a desire to succeed. Or maybe that I'm just not good enough at it to make it something worthwhile. It's really all in my hands, but as usual I only take things so far before I shift gears to a dark period (more on that later).

It's morning, I was up, showered and ready by 7:30am. That's plenty of time to get in the car, go to work and be productive by 8:00. However... what did I do? I came into my home office to pay an electric bill on the computer. Then I got distracted when I logged into facebook, eventually I paid the bill and wandered into here.

Now it's 8:05am and I'm going to be running late (is it really late if I'm always there at the same time?). I guess I'll go for now. I'm craving a coffee. Strange as that is... I haven't been much of a coffee drinker in my life until the last few years. Maybe it's getting older that makes you want to sip something hot and read the news. /shrug.

don't know where to start

I'm a quitter. Always have been... I recently watched a movie that follows the very predictable path of many comedies. In the end, the man who's leading a life of irresponsibility and neglect suddenly realizing the fault of his ways and turns it all around. While music swells and people sing, the birds fly over head and all is well again. Unfortunately, in the real world... it doesn't seem to happen that way does it?

I've even failed at blogging really. I've started several... I opened up a blog that I created to facilitate a 30 day challenge to get off sugar. I labeled the first blog, "Day 1". I wrote that first blog months ago...and I re-read that first one just a few minutes ago. The problem is... it was the only one I wrote. So... I'm a quitter and that's just how it is. The question I often ask myself is 'why am I a quitter?'. I don't think I enjoy it. I mean, I don't have a degree in psychology but I'm pretty sure that I don't enjoy failing or at a minimum just not following through on anything in my life. But the human mind, at least in the sense that I know it, is a strange and unpredictable thing.

So I'm starting this post... and I'm calling it 'don't know where to start' because I'm not sure if it will ever go beyond this one. I start things with the greatest intentions only to forget about them moments later. I live in a constant state of quit.

I often think about my life, usually in some negative form, but I sometimes acknowledge the positives too. I grew up in a small family of 4, one brother (older)... and all of them paid attention to me, loved me and gave me everything they could. Yet all I can really remember of my life is how selfish I was, how lazy I seemed to be at every turn... and how much of a victim I was. A victim of what? Well... I'm not sure where to start there.

Writing is supposed to be therapy, although I probably need professional assistance to make it stick. Why don't I do that? I've tried twice... but that's a story for another time I guess.

I have a woman downstairs who loves me, who listens to my whining and complaining... she's probably too good for me, yet I don't treat her that way.

I guess that's all for now. Back to feeling depressed and tortured... escaping in games, movies or alcohol.