Random series of thoughts

Originally published 7/28/11 @ 2:00PM When I was young, I knew nothing of how the world worked. I suppose that's probably a true statement for most of us. I grew up in a bubble. Middle class, blue collar wealth mixed with a conservative religious world view was my diet for life. I guess that probably shaped me in the beginning, giving me a sense of how I was told everything did and was going to happen. It's interesting now when I think about how things have changed in my life over the years and how all of those things have created an intertwined web of psychological and emotional truths that I've regurgitated over and again. Although a very different and twisted me exists today, there are still signs of all of those notions in you look hard enough. Now, I don't want you (the reader) to think that was entirely a negative opening statement. Let's not be so naive... not everything is so black and white, even if I was (or you were perhaps) raised to think this way. It's always deceptive no matter if you like it or not.



I love my parents, my brother, my extended family and the families that they've propagated as we all tend to do as human breeding machines. My mother used to tell me there is no feeling quite the same as that of a parent to their children. I have never experienced that, and honestly as I've grown older... never had the urge to long for it. I do ponder sometimes why I feel (or don't) the way that most I know do on the subject. I should probably feel wonderfully unique and empowered by that. Somtimes I do... most of the time I do not.



"I want whatever I don't have." That's really quite a boring statement. I'm sure a lof of us have said that to ourselves at some point in our lives. But for me, it's really a motto for living... it's what I adhere to on a daily basis. An obsession in that which is unattainable... even more interesting... my golden goose consists of a series of moments, events, memories and thoughts that I've already had. Things I've grasped firmly within my reach, a prize held triumphantly within myself... and let go. It's an evil, playful game that I create for myself in perpetuity. Sell... win... use... remove... regret. And now I'm already bored with myself again... ready to recycle it all. Truly, I am the best self con artist I know. ftw. So I suppose to put a finer point on it... "I want whatever I had".



We should always be willing to ask for help. Someone once said that to me... I was probably having a bad night but it sounded good at the time. A sign that our own human nature is so flawed that it yearns to be fixed. When in doubt, ask someone else what should be done. Find your way takes on a whole new meaning when your ACTUALLY lost. Some find solace in the bottom of a bottle, while others find a way to puff it into the air or swallow some magic. It all goes away for a while then returns with bigger teeth. How do you defeat something that isn't real? /shrug... I suppose the fight is supposed to be the interesting part. It makes conversation. It makes money. It makes life and death all possible. I must be out of shape.



In a world where everything I know is just a product of thousands of moments strung together to represent me... I sometimes lose track of how it's all supposed to add up. After all, I was always really bad at math. In hindsight however, I've had a good life: loving parents, stable household, food and shelter and as good a chance as any to make the American dream happen. The American dream (chuckle)... I grew up thinking about that a lot. I set myself to think that at a certain age I would be in place A, with B, C, and D. Like most things inside my head however, it was part of an elaborate puppet show created by myself to set the stage for a climactic plot that was destined to end in the inevitable tragedy. And as most stories show, the end is always the best part... where everyone gets what they deserve. That's what I worry about the most. (grin)



So I think i want to be done making changes, just because all this change has lead to such odd and disappointing ends. It's time to stop swimming to keep from drowning... and just realize that if I stop for a moment to put my feet down, maybe there will be something there to stand on. (laughter)... oh, how I joke with myself.



Laugh with me now... the joke is far better than the reality.

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