I'm sitting in the Pub drinking a Guinness. I would be drinkinga Queens Velvet... My fave here but they're out of bourbon barrel ale. Ugh. I shouldn't drink so early in the say anyway but I'm reflecting and that's a popular thing for me to do when I'm doing that.
I just watched "Carrie".. The 2013 remake with Juliane Moore and Chloe Moretz. It was a decent rendition of the King novel but it did something to me. The story of about a girl who is tortured and awkward in high school, and I the end goes crazy and kills half the school because she has telekinetic powers. I mean, who wouldn't want to kill half their highs school bullies if they had magical mind powers? Or maybe that's just me... I was horribly bullied and awkward in school... Didn't go to any proms or dances, missed the high school yearbook pictures even... Because I was embarrassed? No... Because I as avoiding a bully who was looking for me. The way I figured if he didn't have an update photo he may pass me by. Lol... As if.
Instead of feeling sorry for Carrie White in the movie, I found myself weeping remembering how awful I t was and connecting with the character on a real, personal level. Carrie had a over-enthusiastic religious mother who tried control her every move... That also sounds pretty familiar to me. I love my mom, and I know she was just doing what she thought was the best for me, but I couldn't help allowing it to take me back there in he early 80s where my mother blamed all our problems on the devil, told me any second Jesus would return and leave all the sinners here on earth for years to suffer horrible fates.... And to make sure I wasn't left.
Isn't that every child's fear? To be abandoned without hope, for their parents to leave them all alone? I thought daily I would turnaround to an empty house... Suffer the shock of being left, and knowing the horrors that were to come for me and my fellow sinners.
And if it weren't being left by Jesus and my parents, it was the fear of being beaten to death bad school bully, the occasional phone call with threats of killing me, or "finding me int he hallway at school and beating the shit out of me" for some unknown crime for which I had no knowledge. Or maybe the daily fear of being attacked by bees,a. Childhood trauma never dealt with. I lived my life in total fear.
And now, I live with new fears... Cancer, rabies, being the guy in the room who everyone knows is dumb and/or uninformed, financial ruin, diabetes, heart attack, seizure or an aneurysm.
Will I ever break free? Before I die that is? ...
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